Heya everyone. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving (those of you that celebrate it). Mine went surprisingly well. I worried, as is typical of me, all for naught. Anyway... more on that later.
I will, in case you were wondering, be putting up entries for the last few days. I actually managed to keep kind of a paper version of the headspace. I've gotten spoiled by the electronic medium. Hopefully I will be able to get those typed in over the course of the next few days. We shall see.
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Some of the discussions I have had with members of my family this week have prompted me to do a little research in to perfectionism. I can hear some of you gagging... bear with me for a sec. That was, and to some extent, is, my reaction as well. I find the idea that we all must have some kind of mental disorder vaguely objectionable. In the interest of keeping an open mind, however, I am looking in to it.
It would have never occurred to me to think of myself in those terms but something interesting struck me earlier this weekend... I used to frequently get asked, when I failed to do something, if I got no satisfaction from a job completed. I used to equivocate... sure I do, I just didn't get around to it this time... or whatever. After some honest introspection, though, it occurred to me that I usually don't get any satisfaction from completing a task. Most often I can never complete a task to my satisfaction and I am left with nothing but a vague disappointment. Oh well, I guess it will have to do.
I don't know, though... here comes the second-guessing. Am I just making excuses for myself? It sure would be convenient to have some tidy label to get a handle on whatever it is that is my problem. *shrug* I don't know. Those of you that know me, what do you think?
Whatever the case may be, I am reading about perfectionism and drawing a lot of parallels between the literature on the subject and what I perceive my situation to be. I am beginning to wonder if it isn't time to seek some "professional" help. I think I may need some objective advice.
The upside of this is maybe someone will prescribe Paxil for me so I can be like everyone else I know. :P
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In other news: as I have mentioned in one of the as-of-yet-to-be-typed entries, I am thinking about going back to school fulltime. I think I might pursue linguistics or english at OU. This will, however, require me to find a decent job in Norman. Anyone got any hot leads?
My seventeen year-old cousin, Adam, clobbered me at chess this week. He beat me in five or six moves. Punk!
I'm making another attempt at Tolkien's Silmarillion and I'm already lost. The prose style of this particular novel gives me an immense headache. I think it stems from my reading of the bible as a youth. I'm... oh... I guess about 30 pages in and I have already lost track of the many groups of elves and all of their various and sundry begats. I need a concordance or an annotated version. Tolkien for Dummies, as it were.
I, sadly, don't have a musical recommendation for today. I'm in a rut. I'm trying to come up with something new and interesting, though. Bear with me.
This is a repost of a comment fathom made. In the course of modifying the code I broke it. -Loop
Maybe I'm just saying this to defend myself, but I belive I do get some sort of sick sadisfaction out of completing a job... Knowing I've done a good job... whatever. But All too often I don't reach my own expectations of what I believe I'm able to do.
As you know, for a long time I've had the desire to create a 3d computer game. While I somewhat accomplished that with the very sad pong clone I made called prong, it showed me that I might just have the ability to pull off what I've been wanting to do. Here's where the problem comes in... I can never seem to stick with anything long enough to get anywhere.
I'm stuck in a bit of a rut. I got through wild phases of intense exploration into something and then all at once will drop it for something else. Screwy right? Yeah probably. But I wonder how many other people have that same problem. I know of at least one of my friends that has the exact same problem, but has been able to pull himself through it when he needed it most.
So where does this leave us? Right back where we started. New hobby, interest, whatever... it's a vicious cycle. Maybe I need some "professional" help. That whole idea kind of weirds me out though. I don't know. I just don't know.