I'm depressed today. I can't really explain why. It's just one of those things. A combination of lack of exercise, lack of sleep, poor diet, and a probable natural chemical imbalance. Anyway.

I always fantasize that I can somehow purge this mood and the feelings that compose it if I can just convey them accurately to you. What a pipe-dream!

This is such a hard feeling to explain... probably because I don't understand it. I want to cry. I want to scream at someone. I just want to go away or for everyone else to. I feel like my metaphorical head is going to explode. On a normal day it feels like my emotions have a flow to them. On days like this it feels like they are in knots or loops... smashing in to one another... in to walls. It's a frantic and frustrated feeling.

Putting it down like that doesn't change it, sadly.

...

I met a girl on IRC today. She has a webcam, much like mine, except that her's is in a dorm-room where mine is at my home. At any rate she has a very similar lack of reservation about what she does in front of her camera. Interestingly, she was in a channel full of horny geek guys and kept bringing up sexual topics. Some of the guys were making what I consider to be rude comments but I got the distinct impression she was not bothered. It was like it was some kind of vindication of her self and her femaleness. Talk about your captive audience. It made me wonder if I dont seek a similar kind of vindication or attention with my cam.

They say that young women risk being exploited in our electronic culture. Perhaps that is true. In this case, however, I'm not clear on who was exploiting who.

...

I was thinking about what the city of Tulsa would be like with no people. It was a really odd thought. All of those enormous stretches of pavement devoid of movement, the malls and movie theaters asleep.

I find this thought immensely soothing.