I am kind of a mess when it comes right down to it. It always amazes me how many deep-seated issues I have when I really stop to consider it.

I am going to list of few of them here. Not because I'm feeling sorry for myself, or because I necessarily want any feedback... I really just want to have them in the open. It helps me think about them which, in turn, may help me deal with them.

Perhaps my most subtle issue is the unreality of death. Intellectually I accept the inevitability of death. I can't however seem to get a more concrete grasp on it, though. I have only ever seen one dead person... at an open casket funeral. It's not something that I want to seek out but I need to come up with some way to really understand at a gut level that I am going to die. I'm not sure how to get there.

My biggest issue is fear. I am afraid, to differing degrees, of a ridiculous array of things. I'm afraid of black people (how much fucking sense does that make... it makes me angry at myself to realize it). I'm afraid of poor people (equally rediculous). I'm afraid of retarded or crazy people (among whom, the same percentage are harmless as those without their handicaps). I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of people being angry with me. Etc.

None of these fears are rational. How did I end up with so many of them? People are people. Failing just means you have to try again. Other people's anger is something over which I have little control. What a mess.

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I guess that a strong argument could be made that I shouldn't air this sort of thing. No one wants to read it. There it is, though. I wont delete it.

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Maybe it's just me (and the sorts of stuff I read) but does it seem to any of you that there is increasing public attention on the trustworthiness of the media (or lack thereof) these days? m4dd4wg points to one of the more publicly discussed instances in this post.

Personally, I distrust the media as a matter of fact. Every media outlet has its own agenda and motives. I take this as the cost of doing business and try and filter each source's stories based on what I know of it (and the marketing demands it faces). When it comes right down to it I am of the opinion that, in our society, media IS marketing. Everyone has something they want to sell you (a product, idea, opinion, etc).

Does it matter in the end? I don't know, honestly. One part of me says it's important to know the concrete details of the events that shape our world. A more cynical part asks what I would do if I did know the facts.

(For purists, I mean newsmedia when I say media... although I suppose some of the same attitudes extend in to other forms of media, as well.)

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Talking about fear got me thinking about the Litany Against Fear from Frank Herebert's Dune (apologies for the oh-so-gauche amazon link). The litany goes as follows:

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

I enjoy thinking about the litany. There is a lot of value in realizing you are afraid, and pinpointing the source of that fear. It's almost shame, in my eyes, that Herbert reduces it to a talisman or mantra. Maybe I'm being overly critical.

Perhaps finding life lessons in sci-fi should trouble me more ;)