Today is a strange day for me. I'm depressed but very much at peace with myself.

My depression springs from the normal sources. I am wondering what the point of it all is. Naively I assume that there is a point. I suppose, from a biological perspective the point is to breed... but I've said all this before.

Right now... at this very moment... I care about very little. I don't care about my job. I don't care about the things I own. I don't care about money. The things I do care about are the usual. Mainly, the people I love.

I need a quest. I need, to steal a phrase from my very excellent mother, a magnificent obsession. Right now, though, I'm too lazy to search for such a thing. My aversion to risk is alarming.

I'm sure there are many high-school english metaphors or images I could attach to this situation. I languish in an warm, amniotic apathy. Ears bleeding yet? I'll stop.

So. As I see it, I have one choice. That is, to stop. That's an infinitive with a real weight to it.

...

I had something interesting happen to me today. I ran across a web page.

Have you ever encountered a person with an incredible ability to completely capture your attention but, before you could really explore them they were gone? Erin Hanlon, who I met when visiting Marka at OU one weekend, was one of those people for me. I was completely intrigued by her. It wasn't necessarily sexual... not that she isn't attractive... I wasn't on the market at the time... nor was she, if I remember. She was just fascinating. Fascinating to listen to and watch.

Marka introduced her to me when we happened to encounter her in Walker. We then ran in to her again later in Cate. I remember thinking she had some kind of minor speech impediment that made her more interesting to listen to. She struck me as a chaotic person. We were sitting around talking and she was picking a video on this video jukebox thing. Portishead's Only You.

I happened to run across her webpage today. I've linked it below. I got kind of a thrill from it.

It's a strange part of my nature, or perhaps human nature, that I have this sort of a non-relationship with someone. I don't really know her at all... and, honestly, I prefer it that way (No offense to her... it's just a weird me-thing). I don't feel any real attraction to her (no offense, there, either... it's hard for me to be attracted to someone I don't know). She just intrigues me in some strange abstract way.

I apologize if this sounds weird to any of you. I guess it kind of is. Erin, if, by some freak chance, you ever read this please don't take offense or be alarmed.

...

The weather today is achingly beautiful. I love this time of year.