Oooh. I'm on a roll today. Here goes. Be afraid.

Masturbation should be illegal, frankly. Let me explain. Like alcohol, tobacco, or drugs masturbation is pleasurable but very dangerous in large quantities. Some of the deleterious effects of excessive masturbation include (but are not limited to) the following:

• Impaired ability to operate motor vehicles and heavy machinery.
• Short-term memory loss.
• Delirium.
• Temporary damage (including soreness, rawness, or abrasions) to the penis and scrotum in males or the clitors, labia, and vagina in females.
• Loss of social status/function.
• Property Damage (garments, bed-clothes, upholestery, etc.)
• Temporary loss of motor function.

Additionally, when combined with other controlled substances masturbation may have the following interaction effects:

• Loss of self-esteem/confidence (especially in conjunction with alcohol abuse)
• Permanent psychological damage

Anecdotal evidence also suggests that masturbation may lead to impaired visual acuity, loss of normal sexual function, and spontaneous folicular activity (especially in the palms). While there is, as of this writing, no scientific evidence to support these claims they should not be ignored.

I think the risks speak for themselves.

It is time to consider the policies and penalties for masturbation, posession of masturbatory paraphenalia, or the intent to masturbate. For first-time offenders I would propose leniency. Perhaps a federally funded treatment program that provides safe masturbatory experiences in controlled environments administered by trained professionals. The intent would be to ween offenders from masturbation and channel their energies to less dangerous pursuits. Repeat offenders would be subject to fines and/or incarceration. Anyone apprehended while trafficking masturbation or related paraphenalia would face long-term prison sentences. (penalties for paraphenalia should be based on packaged weights on a per-ounce basis)

It is my hope that, with the cooperation of media, law-enforcement agencies, and public support, we can wage a war against masturbation and win. A good initial step would be a series of well-produced anti-masturbation television ads featuring notable celebrities. Perhaps testimonials from celebrities known to have had a masturbation problem. There are two primary demographics for such a campaign: pre-pubescent children and parents. Additionally, education is of paramount importance.

</propaganda>

Hopefully all of you see the farce and hypochrisy inherent in this immediately. I realize that I am making light of a sensitive topic; I have done so intentionally. Were something this ludicrous to ever come up do you think masturbation would stop? I think not. In fact I have this suspicion that there would suddenly be a lot more of it and it would be considerably more public.

I'm not pro-drug or anti-drug... I'm pro-choice. Educate the populace and let them make their own decisions. One thing that has to be understood is that the stated intent of prohibition could not be further from it's real purpose. You are intelligent people. I will spare you the liberal (commie leftist) propaganda. I just ask that you consider the real outcome of the "war on drugs" and prohibition before it.

Take the glamour out of drugs, take the money out of drug-enforcement, and let people use their brains.

Oh yeah, and while you're at it fix the larger societal problems that lead to drug abuse. What do you expect from a culture with _empty_ consumerism as it's primary value? Let's work to create a world where people rule the day.

...

On a little safer ground, I would like to pose a question. I've been thinking about beauty and want your input. Here goes: Have you ever seen/heard/felt/smelled/tasted or ortherwise sensed something/someone/someplace so beautiful and breathtaking that you actually ached? If you have and you are willing, please share the w's (who,when,why,what, etc.) with us. Or, if you prefer something a little more private, mail me. This is something I've been thinking about a lot today.

Love you guys,
-Loop