I've been thinking about what I'm doing with my life again. I think I may be doomed to a lifetime of midlife crises. I'm really torn, here. Torn between feeling like I ought to be happy with my life as it is and feeling like I ought to be doing more with it. I suppose, if you follow my ramblings at all, you're probably getting a little sick of this theme. I'm sorry. It's important to me.

My chain of thought was a little different this time. I was on my way home for lunch and I was thinking about my mom. In particular I was thinking about whether or not mom wants me to have kids. I sort of feel like it's my responsibility NOT to have children. The population is already wildly out of control... why add to it? I got to thinking about why people have children. I imagine that for some, at least, it's because it helps fill up a perceived emptiness in their life. For me, this emptiness is the same thing as the endless "what am I doing with my life" refrain.

It seems to me, now, that I can choose to be happy with my life as it is. Refuse to get emotionally bound up in the things that get me down. I figure that when the dice were tossed and I was rolled up I got very lucky. But, there are always down-sides and the things I don't like in my life are, partially at least, the price I pay for the good things. I have to work at a pointless job to be a member of a society and culture that I didn't and wouldn't necessarily choose, etc. That sort of thing. So, I can eat the costs, opt out of as many of the parts of my life I perceive to be bad as possible, and try to enjoy myself... And that, I think, is a pretty reasonable assessment.

But...

I want more than that. I want to add something to the world. I want to contribute to the body of man's knowlege. I want to make a mark... even if its not my name... on my world that will last beyond my brief stay.

For some reason these two concepts are at odds in my mind. Does the pursuit of some goal preclude the pursuit of happiness? I put forth that our society teaches that very message.

I was thinking about how I can contribute to the world... how I WANT to contribute to the world. It's a tough question. Ask yourself some time. I don't know my own answer yet. I suspect that I need to know more about the world as it is now. My own painfully limited experience doesn't seem to be enough to know where and I how I can make a mark.

Anyway...

I was thinking about fear, as well. About my being afraid to travel, etc. I had kind of a dumb thought that I wanted to share... or at least record so that when I think it again I can kick myself properly. I was thinking that the worst thing that can ever happen to me is that I'll be killed... and how bad can that really be? This is doubly silly when I admit to myself that what I'm really afraid of, at least in the case of travel, is not being able to communicate with people and having something go wrong as a result. How ridiculous is that?!